I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
