Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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