I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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