The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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