A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
