I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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