if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
