I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
