Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
