Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My ATM looks so different sober.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
