After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
