just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
