What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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