she looked like the before picture.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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