You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This gyro tastes like lonliness
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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