Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
