Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
