I used to practice getting hit by cars.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
