sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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