Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
