I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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