when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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