smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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