someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
