I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
