Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
