Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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