if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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