I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
