how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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