Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
