Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
