i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
