i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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