I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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