I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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