im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
