I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
