saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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