thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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