If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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