Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
