Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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