Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
