if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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