Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The police scanner is talking about you again....
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
