she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
