You're a womanizer and a bitch.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
