2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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