and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
