In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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