I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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