In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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