i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
